Hey
This feels awkward and weird for me to write to be completely honest, but I figured I needed to.
Apologies in advance for a massive amount of text.
I don’t know how to start really. Basically, i’m a sophomore in college right now, and for the first time ever, I am feeling what i imagine to be some form of depression or anxiety or whatever. Let me start off by saying that this is the first time I have ever felt remotely like this, making this situation even harder to navigate. I’ve always just kind of assumed that all the depression stuff I hear about could never affect me I guess. I feel as though my problems and worries are stacking and stacking.
I guess I could begin with how I feel specifically.
I essentially always feel guilty (not always to the same extent though) for no reason, and constantly think about the negative aspects of my life. I also feel hopeless, I guess is the best way to describe it.
Often my family is the focal point of my worries. My mother is an amazing woman, but I can clearly tell she is not satisfied with her life right now fully. She has brought up going back to school numerous times to me, and aging I believe is also a major insecurity of hers. This might get a little off track, my apologies. Anyway, I also have not said I love you to my mom in 3 years. It started when I was learning to drive with her, and many arguments ensued, just due to the stress of learning and differences in how we approach things obviously. I can’t explain to you why I stopped I just did, and I also can’t explain why it’s so hard for me to start again (same scenario with dad). I also am not religious (used to be) and harbor what I guess are slightly negative feelings towards my parents for their faith. Yes I know this is mean. My sister has down syndrome, and I don’t see how they could love a god who let my sister be born with something that would impact her life so severely. She has no friends, hard time in school etc. My mom spends most of her time not working doing schoolwork with my sister, or work around the house. All of this combined with the fact I live away from home really makes me feel bad for my parents, especially my mom and sister. I feel as though I’m failing as a son.
I also have not ever been in a relationship. I’m slightly above average in height, not unattractive, and a decent person I think. No girl has really ever shown interest in me. Truthfully I don’t really care that much, i’m not on some incel shit or anything, but a relationship would be nice.
My health is also declining, As I have stopped going to the gym and smoke carts nightly (only at night though). Trying to go even one night without the cart is ass, and that makes me feel like a fucking tweaker, which in turn makes me feel worse about myself. Trying to quit, but it’s really hard and isn’t helping my mental.
My young cat also died tragically 1 year ago, and it is something I am not over. Our family dog is also getting to be pretty old…
Finally, my GPA is like 2.8. I did pretty bad freshman year and kinda tanked it. Losing scholarship money because of it. Luckily it can be recovered, I have gone full recovery mode and I am determined to get my GPA back up.
The other night, I had a fleeting thought of “oh how nice it would be to not be alive” and i kinda locked in and realized my mental is definitely getting out of hand.
Any sort of genuine guidance would be greatly appreciated. Also sorry about my comments on religion, I don’t resent any religion, I just think those feelings are amplified by my other ones right now. Again I know this is a lot, but I have no interest in therapy at this time and I would never say any of this to people irl, so here I am. Thanks