I read a bit about psychology and I happened to come across the theory of relational attachment. I see myself as the type of person in this theory who is scared of losing friends or that over the long run I just know eventually it will fall apart, which confuses me because I don’t really feel empathy or feel love much. I am both an introvert and an extrovert I believe and I see myself as a imaginative person as well as a analytical thinker (they are both to an obsessive level I believe). What I want to improve on is my empathy because I think I lost it after years of social isolation and people that have bullied me. It’s like I don’t feel love or empathy from others and it is just very tiny amounts of it I feel. I don’t feel satisfaction from compliments very much and I actually sometimes feel annoyed when someone gives me one because it feels like they aren’t being honest to me. I also have this obsession of how our minds may not have free will and that I’m stuck in a paradox of how I could potentially be an evil person to someone else because my choices reflect what my past was, but I also have the feeling it is good to be honest to someone but yet again I hate the idea of hurting people even when it’s necessary at times to do. I feel almost numb to empathy, yet I really care about not hurting people so much, I want them to understand I’m being honest to them. I sometimes feel like I’ll go crazy thinking about how if there is a God, that he would allow some of the best people in the world to go through suffering for NO reason. The reason this goes with this is because it’s a paradox of how it is necessary to hurt people in life to do better, but their suffering is a result from their lack of control in free will that is in the brain.
