I have nightmares, intrusive thoughts, OCD, panic attacks, I’m on four different medications, I really do need more mental professional help, but if there is a God I desperately need Him. I hear music constantly and thoughts/voices telling me to kill people sometimes, disturbing and evil terrifying stuff.
I am 28 years old, and I don’t know if I’ve been going into psychosis, but I have been feeling especially evil attacking me for the last 7 months, absolute Hell specifically the first month.
I hate my dreams, even when they’re not necessarily nightmares, they’re vivid and ridiculous.
I just had one that I don’t know why it made my scream, I literally just opened my mouth and screaming came out in the dream, and then I woke up screaming as loud as I possibly could for real. And then I felt like I had not screamed loud enough and an odd number of times, so I had to do it again as really loud as I could and longer.
I need a higher power, beyond myself, that’s for sure.
I don’t want to end up in a mental institution, and I don’t want to go to Hell.
My mental health is obviously more unpredictable unstable and serious than I take it to be. Some of these dreams that make me scream aren’t even actually scary or terrifying.
I literally just saw my work schedule being a strange odd time, and now was about to call to clarify it, but and I opened my mouth and screaming came out by itself, against my will. Then I screamed for real, waking up.
Fortunately my mouth doesn’t scream on its own just from opening it, but I still have feelings and episodes.
I feel so detached from reality sometimes.
I’m afraid of facing my family after I wake up screaming. They’re worried and concerned, not mad, but it makes me feel worse, I’m embarrassed and ashamed.
I’m so tired, stressed, hate my life, struggle with too much, and my own mind is like Hell, and a prison, inside of me so I can’t escape it.
I’m ashamed but life is demanding more than I feel capable of functioning.
I just bag groceries and push shopping carts mostly as a job. I’m ashamed that that’s the best and most I seem to be able to do at my age too.
I’m exhausted, but terrified I will have more nightmares and wake up screaming again, it’s pure psychological Hell. I rather be dead than deal with this. If God is real, I think I’m going to Hell though, I am definitely a sinner, who deserves punishment, which I guess is eternal damnation according to the Bible, even though that seems cruel, unfair, and unjust.
For the longest time I wasn’t simply an unbeliever, but pretty much ANTI-GOD. I thought He made me just to watch me suffer, so I cursed Him and defied Him. Why would He forgive me? I figured that’s why all this was/is happening.
I don’t know if the beings I see are actually demonic spirits or my subconscious or what, but I have brain tingling and needles stabbing me in the brain sometimes too, it feels like that, and confusion and loss of balance. Psychiatrist just gave me more pills (for nightmares, helped a lot but I guess nothing is 100% forever) and said an MRI would be too expensive for me.
I can’t even physically rest as I need, and mentally definitely not.
I’m aware of too many little things and details, and they’re ruining my life even more.
I gave into the OCD more too, bleep it!
I want to die, but I don’t think I’m going to Heaven. I’m afraid I’ll suffer even more, and eternally.
Honestly I’m afraid even with God this won’t completely go away for good, whether it’s because God uses these things to test people, or just can’t or won’t stop everything? I don’t know, but my mind is definitely particularly abnormal.
I’m afraid I’m going to ultimately end up being told that this is all my fault and that it’s all “in my control” and I need to just stop even though I can’t. Look at how police deal with people having mental health (or spiritual?)crisis.
People don’t believe these things, and think it’s all an act or that you can just stop, even in a mental hospital. You just get demanded to stop and tackled and charged more. And if you end up in court you’ll be accused for everything that it’s all your fault as if it was all in your control. As if anyone would CHOOSE to act this way.
I feel other personalities sometimes, I feel evil, terrified, and like I’m not me. When I was 13 I woke up and got up and felt scared and then started BARKING and screaming and swinging my arms around and everything was blurry, and it stopped after I called out to God and begged for Him to make it stop. I should take that more as evidence of God’s existence, but I still have doubts and lack of faith.
I can’t always tell what’s real or not, especially with such convincing dreams, I can’t remember if something was a dream or real, and reality just feels, different sometimes. 7 months ago when this particular severity suddenly started, the first month was excruciating derealization and depersonalization, and terror and paranoia……
I feel like this will escalate to a point where I completely go insane and cannot control my actions in real life.
Help.