Please give me advice

So I have a boyfriend. And I have BPD. I love him so insanely incomprehensibly much. I would do anything for him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I keep hurting him. I can't hurt him. I can't. It kills me. But it keeps fcking happening. I love him so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much but 50% of the time it just doesn't feel like it. And I end up avoiding him, ignoring him, arguing, or even yelling. He's fragile and precious but I treat him like shit. I hate it so fcking much. What do I do? How do I keep this in check or gain control over it? Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please tell me what to do to figure this out. Or at least how to get started. Please. I can't keep hurting him I hate it so FCKING MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭