Hello, recently something has happened and I can't forgive myself for it. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil
About two years ago, I've made a couple of friends online, we were all in a group and we generally had a good time, however one person from that group was really toxic towards me, at one point I couldn't take it anymore and just blocked all of them and told them to leave me alone. Months passed by and I thought I'll never reach out to them ever again, from time to time I would remember them but I would also quickly remember how they treated me and just brush it off and remind myself I wasn't the one in the wrong.
However about a month ago I've went through a really horrible event, I'm not gonna talk about what it was because it would take me too long and doesn't matter in the context of this story, all that matters is that I felt really bad and for some reason got this urge to apologize to one of them. I absolutely should not have listened to these thoughts, but I did and the one person that I have contacted forgave me and things continued as normal. A short time later they told me I should apologize to that one toxic person, and even though I didn't feel the need to do that, I did so anyway. I at least expected that they would apologize to me as well because they treated me horribly, but instead they just told me they still dislike me and how maybe that would change with time and how they don't feel the need to apologize to me.
Soon after that horrible situation ended, I was able to think rationally again and I left them once again, I quickly realized how stupid it was of me to apologize to pretty much any of them, mainly to the toxic one who treated me horribly. I'm angry at myself because of it and I can't forgive myself. I don't know what to do.