I don't know why I'm here on reddit for so many hours today. I'm pregnant and there was a post on a pregnancy sub about how all the posts about miscarriages/ loss were making OP anxious. I commented that it might be nice to have a positive posts only pregnancy sub for those of us who have really bad anxiety about something going wrong in our pregnancy. This is not because I think people shouldn't be able to post about negative outcomes or get support for their losses, just because it might be nice to have a place for positive stories when you are feeling anxious.
A commenter called me cold and insensitive to people with loss and I tried to explain that I was just looking for a way to help with anxiety. she said "I mean it is interesting to me in that I have not spent this pregnancy in constant stress and fear of a loss despite going through multiple. I learned how to deal with anxiety. I learned how to hold space for negative things. I hope that I’m able to teach my child the same and that we can handle big, tough emotions, not turn away because we only want to experience positive things."
This person's comment just really got to me. I've worked with a therapist to understand that my mental health issues are real and not my fault (though of course my responsibility to fix, which I am trying to do). But it seems like everyone on this thread thinks I'm evil/ stupid for wanting to talk about anxiety or for having it at all. I'm questioning whether all of this is just me being stupid and if I really have mental health issues.
Some background about me:
My mom's mother died suddenly in a car crash when my mom was pregnant with me. My mom was depressed for most of my childhood and physically and emotionally abusive to me (and my dad was physically and emotionally abusive to her) She has not really been here to support me through my pregnancy. My husband is wonderful but his mother hates me because of my race (she literally didn't like me before she met me and has made all sorts of racist comments and now no longer speaks to him for marrying me). I've just been kind of sad and depressed throughout my pregnancy realizing I've never really had any maternal support around.
I've also just had a tough few years feeling like I'm not enough no matter how much I achieve though workaholism and perfectionism.
I don't know why, I feel so stupid, but this comment has really re-triggered not wanting to live thoughts in me. I shouldn't be having a baby, she deserves better than me. How could I do this to her? I can't stop crying. Idk, just looking for some reassurance that it's ok I have anxiety and talked about it. I know pregnancy loss is a sensitive subject and people are going to project their emotions and assume the worst in me. I just thought it was ok to talk about mental health struggles but it really seems not so in this case.