I have seen psychologist and psychiatrist before in the past. I’m fairly certain I have ADHD, (was actually diagnosed with it around 5-6 years old, doc told Mom I would outgrow it because I’m female) but anyway never considered it until recently, like less than a year ago. Professionals in the past have diagnosed me with schizophrenia, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and BPD. I have a lot of past trauma ( who doesn’t) I won’t go into all of that here but I’m not sure I agree with all of their diagnosis’s. In fact it has been years since I’ve seen someone. Anyway, after doing my own research I found these are commonly misdiagnosed due to ADHD.
My mental health has greatly affected my personal relationships (3 failed marriages already), and cost me multiple jobs in the past. I am 43 and for the first time in my life I have found a healthy partner, and a great career. He is caring, patient, understanding, and supportive. I have caused many fights between us and said some very hurtful things to him on multiple occasions. I take full accountability for that and know it is not fair or reciprocal on my part. Like just because he loves me and has patience with me doesn’t give me the right to behave the way I do.
He has said in the past that he won’t give up on me. Truth is I know that’s not true. At some point it will be too much for him and he will leave me. In fact we almost broke up 2 nights ago. We were having an argument and he asked for 5 min, which I should have immediately given to him, but I panicked thinking he would take those 5 min and decide to leave me. (I obviously have abandonment issues) This actually enraged him that I did not reciprocate this request as he had given to me the last time we had an argument and I asked for 5 min. He said he was done and for me to leave in the morning. We did end up making up but I know this may repeat if I don’t do something about myself.
So today I scheduled an appointment with a mental health professional. I can’t keep losing people I love. I can’t keep hurting them. I can’t keep pushing them away. On top of that I absolutely LOVE my new job (it’s been 1.5 years) and I worry that my mental health will eventually take this away from me as well.
But I’m scared. I’m scared they will just put me on some medication that doesn’t help, misdiagnose me again, or just say things to keep me placated without actually helping me heal. I don’t have time to waste I only have this one life.
Any advice on how to successfully navigate this is appreciated. TYIA!!