I was doing better after a pretty bad meltdown a week or 3 ago. Some stuff came up in my personal life which sucks. I hate that it happens and that it feels like i am back at square one. I really try my best to become a better person and take better care for myself. I really do. I am trying to get into a routine but if im being honest i plan to much. Which sucks. i dont wanne slow myself down, i wanna do the things i do without regard for my mind. That stupid mind which seems to get in my way so often. I wanna be normal, i dont want to have these problems. It was getting better for like 10 days. i was on top of everything. I worked on a festival and then it went to shit again. Life is hard and i dont like that it is this hard. I would love to have my psychiatrist avaliable every week for me but unfortunatly that isnt the case. i wish it was different. If you think about it it is kinda bizarre that all of these things you encounter in your life shape you as the person you are today. like it is almost surreal. i wish it was easier. I keep fleeing in stupid things like sex with people i really dont care for just cause it validates me. It gives me the sense that in spite of everything there is at least one person who finds me attractive. I dont care for myself and sometimes the things that brings me joy also seems to be the things that keep me grounded or make me really sad. I have this vision of myself that if i lose 35-40 pounds, if i read more if i quit smoking and if i get in a loving relationship i will be happy. The funny thing is that when i think about my life when it is like that i will be the same person. im just as sad or scared for all the things this world has to offer. On the one hand it seems foolish to follow those things, on the other hand who knows. it propably cant hurt right. This is also the reason why i dont move. i will be the same person but in another country. Also my dad is here and i cant work the courage up to leave him behind. That would break his heart and hunt me forever. The guilt would be to much so i stay. i try and make the best of the things i have over here. The funny thing is i have so much. it makes me feel ashamed to even feel this way. I live in peace, i have a lot of fun friends who i care deeply about. I have a job, i get to do my passion, i get to study. There is so much going on here that is inherently good. Still my mind seems to keep me grounded. I hope i can keep my routine in check and stay on this path even if i dont feel like it is working. It cant hurt, the way i life rn i wont live long and even tho i hate it sometimes there is still a lot that i enjoy. Maybe i should do some adventures and see how that goes. i wanna hike in schotland. Money and time is a thing. i regularly work 7 days a week. if im done with uni it should be better but we will see how it will turn out
