Hey I'm gonna remain anonymous but I'm a 16 yo boy I have autism, ocd, PTSD, major depressive disorder severe, and a just wanna share some life experiences I usually don't trauma dump cause truthfully no one cares unless there's a paycheck involved but I'll keep it short I just constantly replay it in my head it hard I go to therapy and ngl it kinda works but every time my mom tells them bullshit about me noone cares 🥺 btw I like emojis I feel like it shows my emotions through phone more yk
When I was 5 I watched my dad attack my mom with a knife and all I heard that night was screaming call the police over and over again but I was 5 I honestly didn't go up around all this technology I now have and I didn't know how to call 911. I literally replay it visually in my head along with other shit everyday and it just gets to me mostly cause I was being neglected and abused but idk 😒 tbh I really don't care. I constantly hear voices and I hear 2 different types I hear voices from around me and voices in my head I came to realize some of the voices are just fake and most likely a delusional thing but the voices in my head is like a movie constantly hearing call the police 😂. The next thing I'm sad about rn is when I was 6-7 I watched my mom and dad kill 19 dogs we owned cause my dad didn't want them anymore I just worry it's affecting my empathy these days I hear gunshots when I'm asleep another thing I'm worried about is when I was 7 me and my brother got molested for 8 months and he got raped there was other kids involved but there on drugs or took there life tbh I lack empathy so it's hard for me to actually care but I do pretend like I do so people know if I could feel it I would. The last thing I'm pissed about is my mom has stage 4 cancer and she also has a delusional belief thing where she's constantly picking at her skin with chemicals and digging in her self cause she thinks there's bugs or mites or something in her skin just ask her she knows the government put something out to her 🙄. I've tried to kill myself many times but I came to realization I wasn't really suicidal like I attempted suicide and tried over again I've made threats I've cursed out police departments I've been thrown out of mental hospitals honestly if you wanna know how just ask me according to them I've overstayed my welcome I not gonna lie I liked it in there I felt safe and calm but I was one day talking to the doctor he said do you feel okay to leave and I said nope and he said well… And wrote on his paper and I got discharged 😂😭 I felt like that hospital abandoned me 🥺💔 but anyways back to the suicidal thing I thought I was suicidal till I was 15 and I went completely blunted I can't feel emotional anymore I think about homicide daily and it makes me wondet whats gonna happen to me am I gonna just kill myself one day accidentally cause ngl i play around witg firearms i almost shot myself last week it gazed my waist and hit my drawer😂. Or am I gonna end up raging and accidentally kill someone then get locked up 😭🥺 I'm so scared cause ik if I did it I wouldn't care what people think honestly I don't feel suicidal anymore but deep down I can feel I'm gonna do something stupid idky but I do I don't care about diagnosis but I do think I might have BPD if it's possible to get it from trauma I'm not to educated on bpd but I read the symptoms and I matched 98 percent of them ik what's wrong with me 😭 I'm just looking for answers I'm looking for something to tell me it's just life. I'm looking around my room right now and nothing is real it's all junk 😞
I'm not asking for support but I just want someone to read this and know who I am and I exist idk if that's weird but that's just the truth people look at me and wonder why my eyes are so dark and sad but they just assume I'm mentally ill no one ever asked themselves why am I like this they never want to see the cause they only see the effects