(33 F) I'm a hot mess, fake it till you make it, don't air your dirty laundry type, but this is anonymous so let me try since talk is cheap. 🤞🏼🫣 I've never been able to speak on this per stigma of the medications and my own mental health. … Long story short … Mom passed at 16, beautiful upbringing with horses, step dad lost his mind and the house, sold my horse, I became homeless at 16 learning to survive. That's all I know how to do. Fast forward: child at 19, BD leaves me (1st for everything and HS sweetheart) ; involve myself with someone else (19 M) who is there with me through the birth and claims 1st born as son (19 and naive) then starts drinking heavily resulting in cheating and the beginning stages of DV;drugs , drinking partying , I did a lot . My poor liver. Fast forward, moved to LA… big mistake but fell in love with my now 10 and 6 yr olds father (at time was 18 M) . Trauma bonded HARD. RIDE OR DIE. I still love him . Together for 12 years solid. Becomes a logger , with logging comes drinking and DV. He commits $CD by 🪢. I find him. Life flighted to OHSU in Portland OR. Life support. Everyone blamed me. Drs said he wouldn't make it and if he did he would be a "veggie". He learned to walk and talk. Years later back to drinking and I'm almost taken by God himself. Finally broke out of that marriage and it was extremely painful…. Been working hard on myself with a primary and Psychiatrist with very involved methods. Built myself up…just to feel like I tripped and fell. BF (32) comes in and guides (rough rocky stubborn road) together almost 2 yrs and starting to feel a disconnect, anyway: BACKSTORY : Mother was told I needed put on Ritalin as a child but my mother disapproved. Fast FWD; 3 weeks ago, at 33 years old, my new psychiatrist added onto that long list of other mental ickiness, underneath the words PTSD, OCD, DV Survivor ,, generalized anxiety, high blood pressure, dissociative disorder and severe depression disorder; there it was…the only thing I needed validated to move forward without forgetting something (pun intended ) " Severe Combination ADHD" .
Relief set in that I really am NOT crazy! I'm aware. Of way too much. Tapering off the Xanax (6 mg/daily) that went to Klonopin(4mg/daily) and Haloperidol(1-2 mg daily) back to Klonopin then Valium (10mg at night, now down to 7.5 nightly). Switched from high dosage Celexa to a lower dose of Fluvox and will continue this taper until I (hopefully) don't need it anymore. Yes, Adderall XR was prescribed, but at a starting dose (20mg) that has changed my whole reality and the concept of time… Still struggle but I have awareness of TIME. I've done all of this with 3 children whom I never lost custody of, left, or gave up. Yes all are in counseling and sports. 14 yr old made principals list. 10yr old can share feelings and awarded for perseverance; 6 yr old is so bright, he reads to his class often . Thank you for reading. Not sure how to feel just yet .
