i’m 21 F and i need help but i don’t know where to start. i have always struggled with bipolar disorder and anxiety but its gotten worse recently because so much was happening with my family which i always considered my only safe space, my brother has psychosis and its affecting my family a lot to the point that my father got so sick and went to the emergency department, i also discovered that he has religious psychosis and he once described the things he sees and i can’t forget the look on his face and his teary eyes the moment he saw my reaction, he’s taking his medication and i hope he feels better but i don’t think my family will ever be the same. i also study abroad and ive been avoiding talking to my family because it makes me so sad, i called my mom once and when i saw her my heart broke into pieces..she looked tired. so so tired and i feel bad for leaving them, all i have been doing is drinking and smoking just to stop thinking about everything for a minute, i also started self harming after a long time of stopping it because there’s too much going on and i don’t know what to do with myself, life is so depressing and nothing brings me joy anymore, and i can’t even consider suicide because i know that’d be IT for them, i am hopeless and miserable, i can’t afford therapy and i genuinely don’t know what to do.
