Hello, I'm 23, and basically a NEET, (not educated, employed, or trained.) and I live with my parents. In the last few years, I've gotten meds and am in therapy, which have helped me a lot. But I never really go out, and am afraid of becoming independent basically. I'm not agoraphobic, but I basically never leave the house, and when I do, it's with my parents. I'm afraid to be out on my own.
Amidst this, I have started talking to girls online. I started this a few years back, due to loneliness, and found a girl I really cared about. She was the first person I ever opened up to, and it all felt very meaningful. We had a weird off-on relationship, though she was my gf for awhile. But it ultimately ended because she talked to other guys sand didn't tell me. It broke me at the time, and I have now lost faith in serious relationships as a result.
Since then, I have tried to find online casual relationships. Like online fwbs basically, but I also want meaningful conversation. I want to feel intimate and like someone loves me, but at the same time I think actual love is impossible, because I'm too insecure, and now I'm even more insecure since my ex-gf. It is frustrating, because people either only want to chat, or only want to sext, and it just feels I can't find what I want. The girls are also rather aloof and it feels like they're never quite as invested in the convo as I am. So I doubt they even like me, or I worry they're just using me somehow, and I worry probably the most that they're talking to other guys, like my gf was.
But it seems this is the bed I've made, because these are probably the kind of girls that would be interested in this sort of relationship. And because it's casual, it's not like I can expect them to be loyal. Besides, I also talk to more than one girl sometimes, because multiple people respond to my posts, or because I'm unsure if a girl I'm talking to is actually into me. (Ghosting and other issues are quite common, so I try not to put all my eggs in one basket, though I hate to say that.) So I feel like a crazy and shitty person for thinking this way, and being so desperate, and for presuming these girls want to hurt me, or don't care if I'm hurt.
I understand I'm inviting these shenanigans, but the loneliness gets hard at times. And I feel like I can open up more with women, whereas when I talk to my two guy friends, it feels pretty surface-level.
The practical solution is just to talk to people irl, but I'm afraid of becoming more independent, and afraid of irl relationships in general, (even friendship.) So I can't figure this out.
I want to go out more ,independently, but I don't know how to do this, and I'm afraid. Meanwhile I have an eating problem, crazy sleep schedule, and am constantly self-sabotaging.
Lately I just wish I was someone else. I feel like my life is meaningless, and everything just gets more and more depressing as time goes on. I feel like giving up.
I have found a nice hobby in gardening, but it is gradually becoming tedious and frustrating, and it feels like ill loss my passion for it the way I lose everything else. Idk, do you guys have any ideas?