i feel normal writing this but i need to get worse. i;m not talking to anyone anymore so my personality is dormant and i feel gross doing social thigns. ppeople like me when i;m at the worse possible state i can be in, i like me when i am there too. i am every level of fucked so i dont understand why i;m getting better,., i'm delusional and i'm bad in every way. being alone puts me at a sense of false sort of gay nirvana or whatever dude but i want to feel worse and more unstable. albeit i am in forced recovery i cant even go home. it;s not like i'm medicated but i can;t fucking dstand mysekf when i'm this. i'ts like i am in real life. fuckiing nothing. how do i reverse all of this progress being forced upon me? i'm nothhing, but i dont like people getting mad at me so i was forced to clean up my space and socialize with my close family even though i dont really fukcing like anyone but myslef and maybe the people trying hard to fix me.i stopped overeating because i dont want to get fat, and it made my body feel "better". i have to talk to people to get the things that i want so now my brain is trying to save me or something shitty by grasping straws and calling it met quota or baby steps like i'm going any higher thsn this. i just want to diesoon, how do i get worse than a morally nothing mentally nothing person with nothing to lose. i have been feeling nothing and i want to feel sad. i want to die ehat do i do?? only real advice please
