I’m mostly venting here. But lately I just see no point of keeping on living
Despite being young and just finishing off high school, being a top student in my city and a decent person as some might say, I am just fed up with everything.
I have had a history of three suicidal attempts that I remember, ED (as a result didn’t have periods for a year, then recovered, gained a bit of weight and my mom hates me for that), self-harm (I still got scars that didn’t heal)
At the same time, I used to be a top performer at school, made money online (quite decent, then lost it and got screwed up by a business partner, so the last year I have been just trying to keep my head above the water) and worked out.
There is a side of me that just wants to get out of this sick house and place alone, isolate myself and make shittones of money and live alone.
Another side of me just wants to die.
I just can’t do it anymore, I am fed up with exams on third I am about to have prom on 4th of June.
I don’t even think it’s stupid anymore, I have been talking myself out of it, but now I am not.
My younger self would probably kill the current me for doing such dumb shit and being where I am
I don’t care about my niece missing her only aunt or getting the heart of my long-distance boyfriend shattered. I couldn’t care less anymore.
I will either kill the bitch in this house or kill myself
And, frankly, I am a loser for being unable to kill myself through all those times