It all started when i was like 12 years old and my brother was in 9th grade. I only started learning about girl and boy intimacy ( i only knew girl and boy kiss each other on the lips) oneday my brother found out about it. We used to sleep together along our parents. One day he started touching me i didn’t resist. He started doing that for like few days like that. He touched every part of my body. And mast3rvated in front of me.My grandma saw him doing that. She punished him so much. We stopped after that. I feel guilty because i didn’t stop him by then. After like 3-4 years, when i knew all of those things yk intimacy. My brother and i slept together once more because there was guest in my room. I was asleep when i felt something touching my private place. I was so shocked i didn’t know what to do. And i started acting like i was waking up….i finally said to my mom about it. She said that You're thinking too much, your brother is not like that. Maybe he was asleep and yk he likes to do random thing in sleep. I thought She's right. My brother is the most protective, gentlemen, not selfish, talented, matured person i've seen. I thought about these 2 incident as my fault. But rn,,,,,,, i had like a boyfriend…. I love him. But whenever he like hugs me or like touch me (not my private place) . I feel like crying. I think this is the problem. I think of it much nowadays,,,, what if i was not guilty? I was immature!!!! I didn’t know anything about it???Whats if it was wholly my brothers's fault?? But now that im 17 andHe's past 20..We do have agreat relationship. He helps me to grow, supports me advises me. We never talked about my 12 years old experience and he dosent know that i Know about himtouching me in my sleep. I did have a great Relation with him forgetting those. But now i cant talk to him. Cant bear him. I am costantly crying for no reason, like my inner child is crying. We have asian parents so i dont think i can go to therapist and talk about this or get help. Because its all past. He respects my privacy now. But,,,,, how can i forget this? Can i ever have a good intimacy with my partner? Or feel comfortable with him?can i ever have the Relation i had with my brother like before? Please help and sorry for the long story. Please
