please i dont know what to do or think, i just need some other thoughts from strangers who cant fully judge me. im 20(f), and ive started talking to someone recently but its made me think of some things i havent thought of/dont want to think of. for starters, i feel like im hiding things from him because of the web comics i read, dont know why exactly, i just feel the need to hide them. im afraid to be physically intimate with him, like genuinely scared. even just cuddling on a couch watching movies makes my heart pound but in a bad way. we kissed once and it was bad and i hated it but i didnt have the guts to tell him but i think he caught on. it makes me think of when i was in school and my friends picked on me for reading web comics, they were a fun escape from my reality, which wasnt bad. i grew up fine i guess, my parents divorced when i was maybe 10(?) and i didnt think it had much impact but as i got older i felt more distant from my peers. like i wasnt there mentally. when friends would ask what was wrong id lash out and cry in the bathroom. i hated myself, and i think i still do. i hate the way that i look so much, i was never this self conscious, im sure of it. but now i cant stand the way my body looks but i have no motivation to do anything about it. and i feel like i have no right to even complain about my body, but i hate it. i have tried several times to develop an eating disorder on purpose because of the hatred i hold for my body. i hate it when i see my naked body and im afraid of serious relationships because i know at some point he'll want to see it and i just cant let him. im too insecure and im not even interested in having sex with anyone. but that leads into the physical intimacy. for as long as i can remember ive never been a touchy person but my friend told me that it could be because of my upbringing in a strict christian household. i dont know if i fear physical intimacy because of religion or personal preferences but im too cautious to find out. ive never told my friends any of this because i know they wont get it, i feel like no one gets it. i just wish i was normal, i wish i had a normal upbringing and i wish i had normal loving parents who never seperated. i wish i wasnt afraid to say what i want and what i need without being ostracized by my family and maybe my friends. i wish i could just be normal and not feel sad all the time and feel like im constantly bringging everyone down. i wish i could just disappear so no one would have to deal with all my stupid and weird thought that i have about myself. i wish i had someone i could talk to in my life but i dont and i hate it so much because i feel so alone and im too broke for therapy and im too broke to move out so im stuck in my position no matter how hard ive tried to get out of it. ive thought of so many ways to just disappear but im too scared to do it because im so afraid of dying. i just wish i could get over this constant feeling that im hiding something from everyone i know and care for but i cant, because they wouldnt understand and i wouldnt know of to word it so they would. if anyone understands this and has any advice please, please tell me something, anything. please.
