ExBf pressured me to giving up my virginity when I was 16. I am 22 now and just starting to realize that I never wanted to have sex and have blocked out all occurrences of sex with him. The last year of our relationship I would not let him touch me in that way. Six months ago (a year and a half after I broke up with him) he attempted to sh*t me through my apartment window with a AR style gn, he missed my head by three feet. I haven’t been to therapy, I’ve coped this far, but now I’m breaking. I am looking back and questioning everything I went through. I feel like I was sexually assaulted but also feel guilt because I caved to the pressure he put on me. He made me look like a fool in front of my family and friends, but I blame myself for staying with him. I have a supportive partner now and want to explore sexual pleasure, but find myself doing what I know will satisfy him to “get it over with” because that’s what I did with my ex, even through I love my current bf and want to connect with him more on a sexual level. I can only org*sm when I am alone. Lately I have been thinking back and realizing that sex with my ex was just me zoning out and being a emotionless zombie, hoping he would finish soon. I never wanted sex with him. He always whined/pressured me until I gave in, or continued to touch me even when I would turn away, until I gave in because it was easier to let him get it over with. Then I wouldn’t have to feel the shame of telling him no, because I was his gf, I should/should want to have sex with him, right? I would pretend to be asleep in the morning/night while he would jerk off so he wouldn’t want to have sex with me, even then he would try to touch me or wake me up. Is this rape? How do I process and move on? I am getting a therapist, but can’t start going for another month. My mental state is awful right now. How can I talk to my partner who doesn’t fully understand mental illness/trauma and communicate my needs? I feel like I am drowning, I have always been so strong and denied my feelings. I can’t hold back anymore, I feel like a failure for falling apart so I pretend I am okay every day. I can’t do this much longer.
