I (26F) have been with my partner (26M) for two years.
Last year I suffered a health crisis, and he went through a job crisis. We both took it hard but supported each other throughout. He bounced back relatively well, however I ended up going through a downward mental spiral which resulted in severe anxiety, panic tracks, night terrors – my thoughts were governed by fear, insecurity, paranoia and suic!de.
I did the therapy, not because I felt ready but because I could see the toll it was taking on everyone around me. It definitely helped – I no longer have the physical symptoms as above, and I can say I am honestly a lot, lot better. My head is much clearer, and I can handle my bad days with a lot more mindfulness than before.
But the feelings of low self-worth? They haven’t changed. At all.
I still see no value in myself as a romantic partner. I see the stuff I can “do”, ie buying gifts or cleaning up etc etc. But anyone can do that.
I look at my rolls of fat and my scarred face and my disgusting f*cked up brain and know that my partner has experienced a bit of it already. He pretends he will stay but I don’t believe him.
And I know how incredibly toxic that sounds.
I believe I’m mature enough to be in a relationship – I waited until him.
But now these feelings have emerged I can’t seem to push them away and I know it’s grating for him to feel obliged to reassure me every five minutes.
I just don’t know what to do.