My (29F) boyfriend (31M) is the best man I know. He's kind, smart, sensitive, generous. He has strong morals and a strong willpower. I'm in no way saying he's perfect, he does have flaws like everyone else. I just have a hard time picturing a person I would like more, or who would treat me better.
While I do trust his judgement, and he thinks I am amazing as well, it's kind of hard for me to imagine he may feel as lucky to have me.
While he's been working hard on his addiction issues, and is doing his best to stay active and avoid depression, I am not in the same place. I'm a tough mental illness case who can't currently afford care and therapy. I am not in a good place to confront my own addiction issues. I am not an active person, and spend a lot of my time in an unhealthy way.
We don't live together, which helps me giving him the best version of myself. But sometimes the messy and sad slips between the cracks. Sometimes the anxiety is too much and I can't put the happy girlfriend mask on. Sometimes I have a hard time pretending I have power over my addiction.
He doesn't pressure me to pretend, but how far can acceptance go?
How attractive could it be for such a wonderful person, to not see me fight as hard?
I know he deserves someone who would make his world bigger just as he makes mine. I wish I could be the person to make plans and objectives with him, someone he can picture a better life with.
I don't want to be jealous when he meets women who are full of life and plans and objectives. The only reason I have to be is my own inability
I don't even know what kind of advice I am looking for. The only thing that makes sense as a solution for me to keep my relationship beautiful, is to actually try and better myself. But what if I can't? Am I supposed to accept that I can't rush my recovery and he can't settle and this is how things are supposed to be?
If I could just decide to be better I feel like I would've done it
Right?
I think it comes down to , if you want to be the person he deserves to be with, then you make the choice to help yourself.
You save up for therapy, or you can buy a CBT handbook on Amazon and work through it, or you can attend an addiction AA service meeting and start working on your mental health and addiction.
You can choose to have better habits, and they will help with your mental and physical health.
All of this is so you can be a better person for yourself, not just for him.
You are not helpless or hopeless. You wrote your post and feel all these feelings. Don’t you want to at least try and make yourself feel better?
Yes, exercising (I mean going for a walk) sucks. Organising and taking meds sucks. Talking therapy and doing the work on your mental health sucks. Trying to avoid triggers for your addictions sucks.
Having a good sleep routine and planning a simple healthy meal plan sucks. But these all contribute to feeling better, even just a fraction better than you do now.
Once you do things for yourself , you can do things for others and be the best partner you want to be. He will know you are trying for yourself and will respect that and stick around for you. Good luck.
He might feel just the same for you as you do for him. Love works in peculiar ways, and there is no list of things you need to tick off to be loveable.