Sorry for the long post, it’s mostly me ranting about my life. I could really use someone to talk to.
I’m going through the worst part of my life. My boyfriend who I have an extremely strong relationship with has decided to go into the military. His training is 8 months long, I got to see him 2 months in and then 4 months in, but now the last 4 I won’t see him at all. I can’t even speak to him because he’s not allowed his phone. I’ve had severe attachment issues my whole life and have probably cried a total of imma say 100 hours over this. I used to have really bad panic attacks.
Found out a few months after my boyfriend left that my only grandparent, that I’m close with suddenly has stage 4 lung cancer and has 3 months left to live. She was in remission and considered cancer free last summer and then bam. She’s going downhill so fast, they just put her on the oxygen mask and it’s terrifying. This is the first death I will have to deal with ever and I don’t know how I’m going to get through it without my person with me.
A few weeks ago I stopped being friends with my only friend because she hasn’t given me any support whatsoever in the past 4 months. I have to beg her to hangout with me even though she’s my literal next door neighbour. On top of that I work 50 hours a week and she works 15 and yet she can’t find time for me.
I live with my two sisters, niece, and mom. My one sister which is my best friend works the opposite shift as me so we don’t see eachother at all, only on weekends. I get off late and when I get home everyone’s usually asleep or too tired to spend time with me. I’m constantly alone. I have no one to text, and can’t make friends that I feel comfortable with. I just hate people and always feel judged so I don’t like letting people in, I’ve also never met anyone other than my partner that GENUINELY is interested in me as a person and deeply cares for me. I just miss him so much.
And the cherry on top is how much I hate my fucking job but can’t leave it because I won’t get the kind of pay I do anywhere else. I work so far from home and am constantly gone, when I’m home I deprive myself of basic needs such as eating because I don’t want to waste my free time, I’m also chronically lazy. If I didn’t have to look presentable for work I’d probably shower once a week. I also rarely have an appetite and actually have a hard time eating in general because I’m always running on empty. I usually eat once every two days, I try to go for atleast once a day which is good for me but only if it’s a full meal, which it usually isn’t.
I’m not constantly sad, but everytime I’m alone and have time to think, I am. Even the small things like how I’m too lazy to eat make me extra sad because it feels pathetic. And just extremely depressing. I’ve lost 20 pounds since my boyfriend left. I honestly just want someone to talk to me and try to support me and maybe give me some ideas on how to get my shit together. Even if you can’t give me any help/advice, support would be nice. I honestly even feel pathetic posting this because I know what I’m going through isn’t that bad, but I just genuinely have no one to talk to and really needed to type it all out for someone to read and understand. There’s honestly so much more but I’d probably end up writing an essay so I’m gonna stop here. Thank you so much, if you cared to read this far I really appreciate you.