recently i’ve watched the movie Christiane F. A cult classic that many people have claimed to veer them away from drugs, however although it’s such a horrifically detailed film showing the nuanced and intimate details of hard substance abuse, for some reason i want to see my self in that position, and i don’t know why. For background, i play sport at a very elite level and get good grades. but after a breakup with my boyfriend of a few months, i became really depressed and ended up hospitalised for OD on Ibeauprofen. I have a history of this sort of abuse of nicotine, ibeauprofen, SH and alcohol but have never been taken seriously by medical professionals as when they ask me if i plan on hurting myself again, i immediately lie and say no. for some reason i always want somebody to notice im bad but when they do i lie and say that im fine. i dont want to think that im some attention seeker cause i truely think there is something wrong with me, but i don’t understand why im so attracted to the idea of ruining my life.
