I (20F) had my first (and only) sexual experience with someone I met on hinge. We had gone on a couple dates but things quickly escalated to sexual stuff. (All of it was completely consensual and I definitely wanted these things to be happening.)
Throughout our small amount of time that we shared together, I was under the impression that our relationship would eventually develop into an official exclusive relationship. (At least that’s what I was hoping for.) I admit that I may have fallen in love with him too quickly. But everything was just so perfect with him. It felt like everything was falling into place, everything that I had hoped for was happening.
I think that’s why I let the sexual stuff happen. I would’ve never done anything with him if I knew that he would’ve dropped a bomb on me the day after.
The day after I had this experience with this person, he told me he found out he didn’t get excepted to the school he was planning on going to. (This school was close to where we live.) And he would have to go to another school he had got excepted to. (This school is not near our area) And this would force him to move away.
After he found out, he told me he couldn’t be in contact with me due to not wanting to have a long distance relationship. (I absolutely respect that, long distance is hard.) But it absolutely broke me. I had shared my first experience with someone that doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
He told me all of this almost exactly two months ago. And I’m still not over it. Ever since this happened, every time I do sexual things by myself, in the end I always end up sobbing. Because those feelings always just remind me of my experience with him.
The sexual experience itself was anything but negative. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. It was perfect. I think that’s what always gets me. That I had this incredible experience with someone, that now wants nothing to do with me. He was sweet, caring, kind, and everything I could’ve asked for. But was that just all a facade? I don’t know, I guess I never will.
I can’t have sexual thoughts without thinking of him, and it always breaks me. I’ve been struggling so much with my sexuality and self esteem due to it. All I think about is “maybe if I was skinnier, maybe if I was prettier, maybe if I wasn’t so much myself around him.” Maybe he would’ve wanted to try to stay in contact with me. Even as friends.
He doesn’t have to go to school till September. All of this happened in February. Maybe we could’ve just been fuck buddies, or just anything till he had to leave. I would’ve let anything happen if it meant I could’ve been around him. But he made the decision he did and I have absolutely no choice but to respect it.
I just can’t get him out of my head when I have sexual thoughts. It’s ruining me. I’m scared I will never be able to move past this. My trust issues are already pretty bad but now my walls are higher than they’ve ever been.
I’m still in love with him, I’m still in love with what we could’ve been. And I just want to turn my brain off for a second. But I can’t.