I’m not even really quite sure why I’m posting anyways. But I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues for years now, since I was a kid. At times I feel like I can beat it, but then I can’t. To top it off I lost one of the only people I truly ever cared about and valued. 5 months later I haven’t made any progress in grieving. I basically spend every day pushing along. Smiles, jokes, more smiles, acting ambitious until I’m alone, that’s when I feel almost entirely emotionless 90% of the time. That’s what real. It’s the same process every day, until maybe once in a while I can’t bottle it up and it pours out, I have an emotional outburst and then move on and repeat the process. I feel utterly alone and I feel selfish for it. I have a fiancée. I have family that cares for me, I have close friends. But I feel alone still. I feel guilt for that. But after losing my grandpa I feel even more alone. I’m not really entirely sure what I’m doing. It’s like I’m wandering in a void. No sense of direction. Just simply existing. The world we live it makes it worse. It’s fueled by social media influencers, politics, conspiracy theories, hate. I want to feel warmth, to be happy. But I can’t find anything to get that from. I don’t know why I can’t beat this. I don’t even know what I really feel half the time. I guess I just don’t wanna feel so alone anymore. I don’t wanna feel so bad. I want to know how it feels to truly believe that maybe everything’s gonna be okay. I don’t wanna die. But I don’t feel alive. I’m starting to become unsure of what to do. Any and every time I’ve gotten close with people, they end up leaving. It makes me wonder if maybe I am the problem
