im tired of feeling this way and knowing it will never really change because there is something genuinley wrong inside of my brain. and even more than the depression and anxiety, im so tired of feeling constant embarrassment and shame that invades my body. i am forced to feel constant physical pain and discomfort no matter what i do. im tired of feeling suicidal constantly. in not going to commit, but really its only for my family. i dont want to be such a complex and complicated creature anymore. id cant take it anymore. not one piece of advice ive been given has helped and i feel so lost. i feel like i am forced to push through this misery, not for myself, but because everyone is too selfish to let me die. sometimes i feel like i would be the selfish one to take my life because it makes problems for all the people around me, but now im just resenting those people because they only want me here so they wont have to deal with the pain death brings. i lost all hope in the notion of trying to get people to stay. i dont know theyre situation so who am i to tell them to stay just to continue suffering? i was set up for failure the moment i was born. im told to have hope. im told to do this, and do that, and THEN ill feel better, but its all a fucking joke. ive lost hope in any program, especially those set up by the government. they have ulterior motives, they really dont have my best interest in mind. that honestly goes for every single thing in america at least. capitalist societies arent to be 'free' theyre just to capitalize off of everyone and everything. this world wasnt made for me. school, food, etc is awful but they have no motive to fix it because it means they can just send to me a mental health specialist, where then can put me on pills to make money off me, or refer me to a hospital, again to make money off me. ive been to a mental hospital and im still struggling and my mom said i cant go there ever again because its so fucking expensive. the older i get the more i realize how shit absolutely everything is. i could go on a huge rant about the housing market, schooling, the job market, capitalism, inflation, srinkflation, social media, advertisement, etc. but whats the point. not to mention its not very relevant. i just dont think i can keep doing this. i dont think i can keep living like this. and there is nothing i can do about it.
