I feel like my life has been a series of jumping from one abusive situation to another. I loath the notion of calling myself a victim, but survivor doesn’t fit either because I am plagued every day by the things that have happened, since being a very young child. I’ve become skilled in pushing it back, until a few years ago when I left my abusive husband and started therapy.
Today I watched a documentary about USAG and the Nassar case. It triggered something in me that I hadn’t thought about for quite some time. When I was in my early 20’s and about to graduate from college, I applied to OCS with the Air Force and went through that process. When at MEPS I went through all the testing, including examination from a physician. I was alone with the male doctor for the more invasive part of the testing. I don’t recall anyone else being in the room. I just wanted to pass the process so I didn’t say anything. It felt more invasive than a yearly with the my gyn. For months it preoccupied my life. Feeling like it was wrong, but telling myself that this must be protocol. Everything at MEPS is very regimented. So that must be too, right? I eventually pulled out of the application process because of that experience and fear that those things would be part of the experience going forward. MEPS really left me with the feeling that I would no longer have any autonomy, including what happens to my body. As someone who was sexually abused multiple times as a child and teen, then sent away to a program for troubled teens, I didn’t want to be thinking about those things anymore so I ran and blocked it out.
Am I being crazy? Is this normal, what happened? According to military websites that outline the MEPS process, it all says a chaperone will be provided if the physician is of the opposite sex. This was back in 2012, so quite a few years ago. Maybe that wasn’t regulation back then? Maybe my memory is wrong? It took from me the desire to serve our country, because it felt so wrong and I felt like it was my fault for feeling upset about it. I felt weak and pathetic. Ultimately I know that I would have been unfit for service with my past history probably emotionally compromising me in such an intense environment. I know that there are many service women who have faced worse in service to our country, so I almost feel silly to even bring it up. I’m not sure what I’m looking for with posting this, maybe it’s just to put it out in the universe so I can let it go?
