I'm seriously starting to scare myself and my family. I suffered some very traumatic sexual abuse last year multiple times. I thought I got away from it and have spent the past year trying to heal. I've been hospitalized, in a partial hospitalization program, and intensive outpatient programs multiple times each since then. When none of those were helping, I tried getting sober instead, went to rehab and did an 8 week recovery program twice. I made very little progress and had given up in hopes time would provide the healing I need. But it happened again, exactly 3 weeks ago, with someone else. I don't know how to escape this trauma and whatever little healing I managed was undone in that moment. My family has me on unofficial suicide watch right now after I told them my plan. I don't think hospitalization will help at this point. I think it would just be another traumatic experience and it's done nothing to help and has only left me with nightmares. I'm trying to look into residential programs after someone suggested there were ones exclusively for mental health but everything I'm finding is all substance abuse programs. I don't what to do that again. I don't want to be treated like an addict again. But I need help before I do something I can't undo. I'd ask my therapist but I'm scared if she knew how bad things have gotten, she'd go for the nuclear option and try tricking me until the ambulance arrives again.
