19f here with a problem that’s destroying my life and my relationship.
i can’t see other girls without feeling like there’s something wrong with me. if a girl is shorter than me, she’s better because of it. if a girl’s taller than me, she’s better because of it. if she’s the same height as me the height’s somehow good on her and bad on me. same thing goes with any quality. latest thing that triggered me was seeing that a girl i perceive as perfect had liked an influencer’s post on instagram. this was my thought process:
x liked this influencer’s post -> i’ve always been uninterested in beauty influencers -> obviously im worse and uglier because i don’t follow beauty influencers -> i have to start consuming this content to become exactly like x so i can be good enough.
but then whenever i do the thing in question, i still feel like a failure when i do it because “x does this thing naturally and i have to try, so even if i become just like her i’m not gonna be pure in the same way”.
i try to be like a bunch of different girls. last girl i hyperfixated on (still do) is a friend of my boyfriend. i got a piercing because she has one. i want to be 155 cm because she is. i try to mimic the way she talks and acts. i stalk her online. i spiral if i hear her name (unfortunately, it’s a common name).
i take these problems out on my boyfriend. i ask him to pinpoint the exact ways in which i should improve. a couple of months ago i asked him for a literal list of adjustments i should make appearance-wise. he refused and i kept going and we almost broke up because i was acting insane. since then we’ve almost broken up multiple times because i go crazy.
whatever i do i just think about how ugly i must look doing it. i can be chilling alone in my room and suddenly see myself from a third-person perspective and become disgusted with myself. i convince myself of delusional things, such as: i’m the only girl who gets body hair. i’m the only girl who uses the bathroom. i’m the only girl who’s ever had a tonsil stone. (gross example but i just gotta show how ridiculously specific my thoughts get). i actually got so jealous of a girl’s perfectly organised purse that i had to leave the room feeling nauseous.
lastly, i’m starting to feel like my life lacks purpose if i can’t be like any of the girls i idealise. what’s the point if i’m not her? i could become a rocket scientist but i’d still be me and that’s gross. people talk about connecting with your inner child but i look at pictures of me as a baby/toddler and feel no sympathy. it breaks my heart to say it but i think i was ugly and worthless back then too. my brain is simply wrong.
i got diagnosed with bdd which explains why i see myself as this disproportionate wholly non-female monster. but i don’t think the bdd explains my obsession with such meaningless tiny aspects of other people.
who in their right mind gets envious because of a little purse? it was just an ordinary purse with toiletries in it but it made me feel like a disgusting specimen of humanity because i just put my things directly into my tote bag. and i swear, next month i’ll be freaking out because i see a free-spirited girl put her things in a backpack and that’ll be the next thing i ~have~ to do.
idk if i’m just venting or asking for solutions. maybe i want to see if someone else feels the same way as me. please be kind, i want to get better.