Lately, I've been drifting in and out of these weird moments of delusion. I catch myself staring into nothing, lost in thoughts that don't make sense. It's unsettling, to say the least.
To cope, I've turned to weed and isolation. It's like my default setting now—numbing the emptiness that engulfs me. I recently started Adderall for my recently diagnosed ADHD, which helps with focus during the day, but it doesn't touch this hollow feeling inside. My therapist thinks it might be bipolar disorder(keep in mind her and I haven’t got into a lot of specifics yet), but my psychiatrist leans towards untreated ADHD. It's a confusing mess, and I'm stuck in the middle, trying to make sense of it all.
At work, I'm a master of deception. I've crafted this facade of happiness and success, when in reality, I come home to an empty apartment and the silence is deafening. Social life? Forget about it. I've abandoned jobs because "I'm not happy," but truth is, I'm drowning in my own thoughts and insecurities.
And then there's the addiction. Pornography has become my escape, a fleeting pleasure that leaves me feeling even more empty afterward. It's a vicious cycle I can't seem to break free from and anytime I do manage to break it I always fall back. If you want to know how I do manage to get out of it, it’s usually because someone important gets introduced to my life ex** friends/lover. I AWAYS f that up tho.
I'm not asking for pity. I'm just tired of pretending everything's okay. If you're out there battling your demons, know you're not alone. We're all fighting silent battles, trying to survive another day in this chaotic world.