Light TW: mention of abuse.
Hey guys. I have nowhere to vent to, so I’ll do it here.
My life has changed drastically within the past 2 years of my life. Graduating college, the passings of some of my dearest family members and an abusive relationship that I managed to get out of before it got physically abusive.
I think I have some form of ptsd, because sometimes, often out of nowhere, I start having thoughts of my relationship (some of the worst moments, more specifically), and that’s how I start usually, spiralling into other things that have happened that have greatly affected me.
My inner thoughts have voices attached to them. A lot of them are voices that I recognize, that I’ve heard before. Like when I picture someone saying positive things or compliments, I think of my mother. For negative things, like insults or abusive language, I think of my ex. When I think of myself potentially being wrong in a situation, the voice of a classmate I despised (who was in my college class) appears. And I end up getting angry and cry. Sometimes I will twitch, pull my hair, bang my head against the wall, even speed when I’m driving. But when it’s the middle of the night, I get super depressed. I can’t sleep. I think about these negative voices and negative people in my life. This happens frequently, and I wish I could fall asleep normally.
I don’t currently have a therapist because the one I had transferred from one position to another. I’m currently on the waiting list for another therapist.
I have lots of friends. Friends who also go through a lot of negative things in their lives too. Me, being a natural empath, can (usually) be there for my friends. But as soon as I feel like I need help, I don’t reach out to them. 1, because most of them are asleep by 3 AM, and 2, as I mentioned before, my friends are going through so much right now. And I care so much for them. I just hate feeling like a burden. There is this lyric from a Glorilla song that has really stuck with me. In “Out Loud Thinking”, Glo says, “When they treat you like the strongest, it make you the weakest // the one that always gon’ come through when anybody need it “.
I’m always worrying about my past and my friends. I think that’s what keeps me up at night. Anyway, typing this out has been a bit therapeutic for me so. There’s that.