CW: Weed
Since I can’t choose multiple flairs, this is also Vent
Yesterday I spent roughly $15 on snacks and soda. Three bags of chips + a bag of licorice + three bottles of soda. I dragged the mini fridge upstairs, cleaned it, and then plugged it in right next to my bed. Everything to make sure I had to move as little as possible, and could reach for everything I needed without much difficulties.
I don’t even know why. I mean yes I do know why, it was to get stoned. But why yesterday? Why the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that? Why do I insist on getting high every day that I can? Why did I decide to get extra high yesterday?
No reason. Smoking a tiny bit every day as an alternative to antidepressants, maybe. Except I don’t smoke “a tiny bit.” No I get completely wrecked every single time. Hence why I yesterday made both food and drinks extremely easy to access. And then with the TV in front of me I can just lay back and let the entertainment commence.
I hate how tired weed makes me. I mean, duh, weed makes you tired. But I hate being so tired that it requires a hell of a strong will to move as much as an inch. I love the way my head spins and I love the mood-lifter but I hate the godawful slouchiness I feel, every single time. I despise waking up the next morning with eyes that are red (what little of them you can see through my very closed eyelids). I despise waking up the next morning feeling nauseous from all of the snacks I’ve eaten the day before.
I hate how much money I spend on these things. I buy them in vapes and one vape costs $60. It’s not a whole lot, but for a person without a job that’s half of the money I get each month.
Most of all I hate knowing that I’m destroying my body in doing this. I’m 20 years old and so far I only feel the nausea the day after. But if I continue to do this in the same manner as I’m doing it right now, god knows how awful my body will feel just in another 10 years. I’ve probably gained weight but I don’t dare stand on the scale to check. I feel like a pig, getting so high I become stranded to the bed, and all I do is eat snacks.
How do I cope with all of this? By getting high, of course. I’m gonna go and eat some breakfast and then puff on my vape, much like I do every single day where I have nothing planned.