I know that the title makes me sound immature or overly insecure, but if you could read what I have to say I’d greatly appreciate it.
Seeing this girl talk about the love of her life on a random page and how perfect he is just made me think how I can never be that for someone. This guy seems literally perfect. He enjoys cooking, plays an instrument, is in very good shape, he insists she walks on the inside of the sidewalk, and always remembers to open doors for her. He’s financially stable, he sends her letters just to Suprise her out of the blue, he always does what he says he’ll do and always puts her first. He does this and that, the girl fawns over him, et cetera, et cetera.
I really want to be like that for someone, but Im afraid I don’t meet/ won’t ever meet the status quo. Sure I don’t go to the gym, but I’m fairly tall (6’1), I eat good, I walk almost everywhere, whether that’s to my job or to my classes so I’m not unhealthy. I’ve tried to learn instruments with no success, but I love viewing and creating art, drawing, photography. I’ve been drawing for around 4 years myself and finally starting to learn how to draw anatomy figures and I think I’m pretty passionate about the process.
Of course I want to keep the future love of my life happy but I also know I’m dumber than a bag of bricks and there will always be one time when I forget to hold the door open for her or I raise my voice a little too loud because I’m not thinking right and I’ll beat myself up thinking about it for 72 hours afterwards even if she didn’t really care in the grand scheme of things
But the bottom line is that sure, maybe I have a few things going for me, but compared to the “ideal man” I feel like I have jack shit. I’m worried that I’ll never meet the standards that a woman is looking for in a man and I won’t find love for a long time if even at all. I think of myself as an insecure child who doesn’t improve himself and in turn is unlovable.
(I’m aware this is the dumb teenage puppy love mindset talking) but I just want to be able to have someone in my life that I can hold close and care for with all my being, someone I can just cuddle with on our couch in the morning with some coffee or tea and chat about boring mundane everyday things in our distorted morning voices. I want someone that lets me carefully brush her hair when shes washing up because she whole heartedly trusts me, someone who’s face just smiles a tiny bit more when I buy some of her favourite ice cream when she’s having a really rough day. And maybe even someone who’s honest and tells me when I do shit wrong and gives me encouragement to make myself a better person yknow?
The thing is right now in this point in time, I know I’m not ready for a relationship. I have poor communication skills and can’t talk to girls my age like a normal human being to save my life, I’m not financially stable by any means, I have a handful of bad habits and addictions that I struggle with that could ruin a marriage. So until I get that stuff sorted out, I fully believe It’s better that I don’t have a partner or even any options.
But I still cry thinking about the warm comforting embrace of another person when I sleep in my bed every single night, and that fucking sucks.
I’m sorry if this felt like a im14andthisisdeep kinda post, it’s late and I’m tired and I needed to write this out. I wanted answers even though I don’t really know what I’m asking for.