English isn't my first language so I'm sorry for potential mistakes.
I thought about death for the first time at around 8 years old. It was a few months after my grandfather's death that it hit me : I am bound to disappear. I had nightmares for weeks and it kind of passed on it's own. Since then I left religion (muslim country and I'm gay) because I do not believe in being forced into something.
Since then I lived accepting death and that I am going to vanish one day. I was also suicidal for some time and I welcomed death and it would have not mattered to me.
But now I found out I have hyperthyroidism and an inflammation of the respiratory system which would be easily cured right? But what if I had cancer or something? It would be the end and it would be way too fast.
I've been on meds for 10 days or so and for the last 4 days I've had what I would describe as panic attacks. I was brushing my teeth and about to sleep and remembered my grandpa who suffers from dementia. At 1 am, I gasped for air, my heart hurt, my blood was rushing through my veins and at 3 am I went to the ER. I just told them that I had a panic attack and they described some magnesium supplements. I am tired. I want to go back to my normal life. Whenever I see something mentioning religion, death, sickness and anything like that I am reminded of it. Life got too enjoyable and now I am reminded that I might just disappear. I might go to hell. I might go to some other world. Even if the panic attacks go away the anxiety doesn't and the thoughs are in the back of my head.
What do I do? Would a psychiatrist be a good person to talk to? And I am considering researching religions but I am afraid it would make matters worse. I want peace.