20M here. I feel like I'm extremely behind when it comes to relational development. I was a decently normal kid with autism growing up, weird but a lovable kind of weird. When Middle school hit I became the quiet kid, but I was still beloved by my class and even considered semi-popular. Then the pandemic hit. I was basically locked in my room for 2 years, and never really left. While everyone else ignored the pandemic rules in my area, I followed them to a teeth, and I blame this on missing out on so much. Instead of going out and being social, I focused on academics. Which sure, I got my associates before I graduated high school. But I missed out on more. The big one being romance
I've never had a relationship. Not even a hand hold. And it kills me. After a high school and an early college of rejections and accidentally making women uncomfortable, I've been trying to learn. But it feels like I've gotten no where. I completely missed out on teen love and that kills me. I'll never be able to sneak kisses in the hallways. I'll never be able to sneak out with someone to go to ballgames or Dairy Queen. I'll never have post studying cuddle sessions. Ik you're all gonna say "you didn't miss out on anything, it was messy" and yeah, that's the point. Its supposed to be messy so you can learn important skills related to relationships. When you're in my scenario, You either have to find someone that will put up with you're inexperience (rare, as women from my experience hate inexperienced men) or find someone else just as inexperienced, and then you'll have to go through a mess you should have been going through at 14. Its also just different experiences. While the woman I get into a relationship with will be used to all of this, it will be new to me. While it will be exciting, loving, and amazing, to her it will just be another Tuesday. And that thought kills me inside.
More than that, I have no idea what I'm doing. i don't know how to do anything but be friends and then ask for a date. Women are genuinely shocked when I ask them out because I "don't put out those vibes" no matter how early I ask them out (note: I use the word date when I do ask them out) Or try and flirt with them. No matter what I do, I don't put out sex appeal, no matter how much i flirty, touch their forearm, etc. I just put out friendly vibes.
Because of all of this, I just feel so incredibly behind. Its lead to a long, slow going mental breakdown, leading to huge weight gain (Up to 350. I'm down to 270 from dieting and working out) and extreme depression. I don't know what to do. I just go through life on autopilot at this point. I just want to be normal. I just want intimacy.
I just want love.