i have this problem where i always want to be the best at everything i do no matter what it is. when i pick it up, i expect to be good and start improving instantly. the thing is that i suck at everything and i don’t improve. even though i strive for the best, i don’t have any motivation to fulfill these desires because deep down i know that i wont improve. i also begin to feel a sort of hatred towards anyone is just gifted with talent. my friend is exactly what i want to be. able to pick up anything and just become well versed in that skill or game. the thing is that i am slowly starting to hate him for it. i hate how he is always good at everything without even trying. it’s like i dislike the fact that he’s so much better than me at whatever we do i just begin to hate him entirely. any little thing he does makes me hate him even more and i know it’s wrong but i can’t control this deep feeling of hatred towards him.
this has been a repeating cycle with anyone one of my friends who are better than me at games or a skill even though i play or practice more than them. it’s so dumb how fast they improve and i can’t. it makes me feel so worthless. now it’s like i don’t even attempt new things because i know im going to be horrible at it and wont improve. i give up super easy now because of how demotivated i feel. i have nothing to say im good at and it makes me want to die. i dont even feel sad about this anymore. it’s like most of the time i feel numb and when i do feel something its anger. i dont know what’s wrong with me and i hate it so much. i’m a horrible friend for even feeling like this and they’d be better off without me.