CW: cannibalism, self harm
Okay so I'm getting kind of worried because things usually aren't this bad and I can't tell what's wrong with me. So last November I started getting cannibalistic urges; the sight of anything that didn't look raw made me nauseated and I had zero appetite. The idea of cannibalism consumed me and it was all I could think of for a while. Idk if this is relevant, but I'm a very nervous and mild-mannered guy, which is also why it freaked me out. After a while I could stand regular food, but the urges still haven't gone away. Now the other week I was cooking dinner with my family and I suddenly felt very dizzy. I freaked out, wondering if someone had slipped me something. (For context, this wasn't the first time I'd had these kinds of paranoid suspicions; I've been drugged in the past. This was just the first time it got this bad.) I started freaking out as quietly as possible as not to arouse suspicions in case I'd actually been drugged; logically I knew that this wasn't true, but everything in my head was screaming at me that something was wrong, that I was hallucinating all of this. I convinced myself that I'd been abducted by someone and that they'd been feeding me hallucinogenics to keep me unsuspecting. This episode lasted all night, and after I went to my room, I ended up cutting myself to prove that this was real. Fearing that I might wake up and hurt myself again, I slept in handcuffs. No shit, handcuffs. They were these really cheap ones that my brother and I won at an arcade when we were like 10. When I woke up in the morning, I panicked, forgetting that I bound myself. I've had similar episodes since, but sometimes it feels like I'm dead. I don't mean like depressed "I feel like I'm dead" I mean that I actually thought my skin was rotting; these irrational panic attacks happen often unprovoked, and once they wear off I'm back to normal again. I don't know what's happening to me. If anyone has any idea, please tell me. I'm really freaked out.