I’m tired.
I’m tired of looking this way.
I’m tired of looking “mature” or whatever. I want to look younger and cute.
“That’s not normal” “Other people have problems too” “Accept who you are” “I feel bad for you” “You’ll forget it when you’re older” “Others have it worse”
All of these things that others keep repeating is making me feel hopeless. I’m aware of my situation and I’m aware that I need help. I tried getting help, it didn’t work. I’m not saying that it’ll never work. I’m saying right now it doesn’t. I don’t want to make others feel bad for me, or feel bad about themselves. Talking about the features I hate on me isn’t saying I think those features are ugly on someone else. I don’t judge anyone for their appearance, only myself. And I don’t want to live a long life, happy or not. I want everyone to remember me as young.
You don’t understand why I feel this way. Why I am so hesitant on accepting myself. Since I’m questioned about this often- The reason why I want to look younger is mainly because of my personality, I am young, and I don’t feel comfortable in my own body because I look older than my age (Which is 18). But some other reasons that might be why is the way my childhood and teenage years were. I was bullied, shamed, exposed to things, groomed, etc… but it doesn’t really affect me as it did when it happened. Maybe it did in an indirect way?
Then with my depression. It was on and off a bit in middle school, came back and was on and off during sophomore to mid senior year, then came back last December and it hasn’t gone away. I have written and talked about suicide plans, I have thought about it, and I thought about endangering myself in hopes I’d die. But I don’t really want to die even if I say I do. I just feel like it’s the only solution.
My BDD is the reason why I have depression and why I have spent my life feeling uncomfortable and not making memories. I didn’t even see myself graduating this year. I was planning to drop out and end my life. I got awards, passed state boards and got my hairdressing license, graduated but even that didn’t make me feel great. I’m still the same because of being in this body 🙁 I’m tired.