I am a female who was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD my whole life. I started having really bad anxiety and depression (nothing new), particularly in relation to work. I work in a healthcare leadership position and didn't take days off for years, seriously I have an insane amount of PTO accrued. And I just started to hate it, the projects, dealing with people, all of it, I couldn't take it. I had no boundaries even though my old narcissistic boss left and my new one encourages time off. But I HATE it. I just can't do it anymore but I'm too scared to leave because my assistant really likes the job because of me, I feel obligated to stay for my new team, and scared about finances, making the wrong decision, etc. but it's like my body is screaming at me to leave.
I finally got a psychiatrist and felt a breakdown coming on, and took the FMLA my new psychiatrist had been encouraging me to take. After the four weeks were off, I texted my boss saying I'd need another week. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow now.
I wasted the entire time. I couldn't find the executive power to call for a therapist until last week. I was having a panic attack the night before my psychiatry appt. and skipped it, and then went to remake it and she was out, and now she's booked out a few weeks. My brain is weird and because the whole house wasn't cleaned perfectly, I couldn't exercise or wake up and mediate or go to bed with a routine because the bathroom was disgusting, and the laundry wasn't all done, and I couldn't meal prep because the fridge was overwhelming, etc. It's just the all or nothing of my ADHD.
So I just existed and my co-parent partner (we are not together) basically still did all the meals, was more present for our kid than I was. I had some good moments but few. I stayed up late scrolling on Tik Tok (the devil) wondering why everyone else seemed to have these great lives and I am just miserable.
I knew exactly what I should have done but I just couldn't get myself to do any of it. I seriously hate myself. And I drank wine on Friday and then spent Saturday in bed, I didn't drink water or eat one thing, and the same with today. A weird part of me has this angst and I don't know if I need to go out and run it off (I don't run) or laugh, but I can't get myself out of this bed. I want NOTHING to do with my partner and son. I feel like I hate being around them. My partner works from home and him being in the house each one of my days off was so uncomfortable for me I didn't want to do productive things when he was there. I just want to be alone. I really don't know what to do. I want to take all my Xanax and float into oblivion but I can't do that to my son, my mom committed suicide and it clearly wrecked me.
I just feel like such a failure.