So I've been drawing for years now, since elementary school. It was pretty easy back when I was younger but as I got older, it became more and more difficult. Not the art itself but the motivation to draw anything. There was a moment in highschool where I went nearly half a year without touching my drawing tablet.
At some point, I realized the issue.
For nearly my entire life, I've been tying my ability to draw to my self worth. As a small child, I think I liked the praise I got for my art more than the art itself. I liked the way people treated me because I was "the artist." Liked being the favorite in my art class, impressing the teachers with my skill. At one point, I even got into a private art school in 6th grade and had never felt prouder of myself.
But then highschool came. And there were more artists there. Better artists. And suddenly, I was no longer special, or interesting, or talented. And that's when the art block began.
Unfortunately, recognizing a problem is only the first step to solving it. I've been working on this issue for over a year now but… sometimes it still hurts to get myself to draw. The mental gymnastics I have to go through just to finish a piece is exhausting at times.
"Is this worth it?" "What if no one likes it?" "What if it looks like shit?" "Will anyone care?" "Why am I even bothering?"
But I was improving my mindset. Slowly, over time, I taught myself to like my art without needing other people's approval. I paused uploading to my blog and when I started again, I took the time to admire my art and tell myself that it didn't matter if no one else liked it. That worked for some time. But now I feel like I'm suddenly going backwards.
Now I'm in a group of other artists. They are great at drawing… And they're consistent. One of them draws amazing full pieces daily and I can barely finish something in a week. And while it feels embarrassing to be a much weaker artist then them all, the worst is the feeling of loneliness. Loneliness in my particular struggle with art. I've briefly vented to them about tying my art to my self worth and they basically just shrugged and moved on. They didn't have that problem. They didn't care about the views or the likes or the attention. It was just something they did for themselves. None of them had this problem…
It feels like something is wrong with me. Imposter syndrome or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm not drawing for the right reasons. I'm not good like them because I'm shallow or something. I can't get out of this desire to please and be liked. It's supposed to be for me, my drawings are supposed to be mine, so why don't they feel like that? Why does it feel like all the things I create are for someone else? Sometimes I think I hate art but I can't lose it or else I'll lose myself completely.
Honestly, I just need to know I'm not alone… that's all I need to hear right now.