I have a hard time loving people or forming relationships. I have the immediate tendency to just cut it off whenever I sense that they like me. It fills me with dread, like I’m walking on tightropes. I will be scared to talk to that person because they may not like me anymore after that encounter. I may say something stupid, or I’ll be awkward, weird them out, show too much of myself etc. It would surprise me everytime I find them acting all the same towards me next day, when I thought I already ruined everything. Like they choose to just remain silent as to not hurt my feelings, instead of telling me upfront.
I noticed I don’t really love anyone. And when I do, I get that same feeling of walking on tightropes, and often just prefer to isolate myself so I don’t have to deal with it.
I have this with anyone, including my dog, or family’s dog anyway (she gets a lot of love from my parents dw). But I notice she gets uncomfortable whenever I approach her. Today it wasn’t as bad, I had a long walk with her and I felt pretty alright, and so did she in return. But still, it happens so infrequently and I get super self conscious and insecure whenever I feel looked at by anyone.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’ve spent enough time alone merely engrossed in my own imagination, and still feel like people are constantly perceiving me, outside or alone in my room. It’s really messing me up. I want to form meaningful relationships. Stop staring into my mirrors and focus on somebody else for once.
I have therapy, but it’s hardly advancing. Everytime I leave I sense no chance whatsoever and I’m back to my old life again. Maybe there was some advancement made, but it’s never anything noticably different enough for me to care. Starting to think she’s not even giving me therapy.
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