Hey, so I don’t really have a good immune system, never had, so hormones have always been out of line when it comes to MDD and GAD that I have. The problem is, recently when I want to go to bed and I’m stuck in the middle of my major depressive phases brought on by uncontrolled hormones, suddenly I start to have these sort of flashes or intense vivid displays where I am killing myself or harming myself or completely losing myself. It spooks me the entire night, mentally, I know that I won’t act on suicidal ideation(I’m hesitant to even call it this because that implies the chance of actually planning a suicide in the real world; these are entirely fantastical) but it’s been causing me insomnia fits and making things even worse throughout the day. I’ve talked to therapist about this and they have no clue, I feel very misunderstood when I talk about it. I have no connections with the flashes or thoughts other than feeling very disturbed, spooked, and disgusted.
It’s like I’m watching a snuff film of my own self and I am constantly battling two entirely different selves, the physical hormonal disbalance and then the mental consciousness that’s trying to ground me. It’s distressing how I haven’t found any information on this and I’m kinda on my wits end. I’ve stopped telling people now except for my close family about it (because I would need to sleep), primarily because the recommendation is “it’s suicidal ideation, have this pamphlet about how to treat it.” and I just can’t, it doesn’t work. Because at this point I don’t even think it’s that, it’s bordering on driving me insane; I don’t even feel like one person. I just want to try and research something on my own accord at this point.