I don’t remember the last time i was truly happy. Part me me knows why but another part of me feels hopeless and abandoned by God. I never try to lose hope even in my darkest times, I’ve always been very affected by my environment and the people that I surround myself with and I wonder if i should blame myself for the life i have or just accept the fact that this is my life and i have to work with what I have.
Im not being ungrateful because I know that many out there have lives that are just way worse, but sometimes I wonder if I’m just a sad person. Is it normal to be sad at all times and not find beauty in anything?
I’ve been told before by someone, that I’m just addicted to my sadness and that I don’t want to let go of my sadness but I deny that completely because I genuinely try, I really do but it feels as though it can’t seem to let go of me. So I always try to looks for other ways and read other people’s stories but I can’t seem to wrap my head around it and I just wonder why I was given this life.
I wonder if getting something I want would make me happier or changing my whole life plan or moving to a different place would make me happier and I’m just so conflicted. I never want to be selfish and so cruel that I would just think of my own happiness only and my own peace only that I would abandon anybody. Sometimes i just want to escape and be alone but I also think about how it could affect all the people in my life. I would also need a lot of time to actually do that so technically i just have to deal with it.
I know that i have a lot of issues that I need to work on and reflect on myself, but how do you do life if you don’t even feel a hint of excitement for the potential future? I am genuinely asking how??