I’m just venting but if you want to give me some support , advice or anything I would really appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.
I’m an 18 year old girl grappling with severe depression, social anxiety, BPD, and PTSD, diagnoses that reflect the complexity of my life. Enduring eight years of SA from a family member until 2020 has left deep scars. Despite being perceived as shy, I was actually overwhelmed by fear and sadness, especially in school where my struggles manifested as dissociation and depersonalization. Attempts to seek help were often met with dismissal.
In August 2020, I reached a breaking point and opened up to my mother, leading to therapy and hospitalization. However, the relief I sought remained elusive. Realizing that school exacerbated my condition, I made the difficult decision to leave for homeschooling, prioritizing my mental well-being I quit at the end of 2021 and I learn at home to graduate high school like you can do in my country .
But the thing is, it’s barely livable to live with all these conditions. I’m just so sad to have to go through a life like this because of trauma I didn’t ask for. Yes, the SA is one trauma, but there are many more from my childhood that I haven’t even mentioned.
This is the worst. I feel stuck, like all my life, even now. Deep down, I just want to live a normal life.
I hope and really want to go to university next year and live like a mentally stable person, just having the strength I had before starting my healing process in 2020. Back then, I was already dealing with all these illnesses, but I wasn’t really aware. I was delusional about all my trauma, so it didn’t affect me like it does now.
It drives me insane to know that I’m an intelligent girl. All my life at school, I’ve excelled. I’m good at many things outside of school. But the fact that I can barely do anything now due to my brain just ruins all my potential. The person I was before 2020 wouldn’t even believe 10% of my situation right now.
I know I can graduate high school and hopefully go to university, but I worry about how hard it’s going to be to go back to school. How will I manage school with all this pain? How will I manage the social aspect of being at school and the stress that comes with it? I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, especially for exams.
If I can barely live being at home and having nothing really to stress about, how can I manage next year? And it’s not just next year; it’s for the rest of my life. When I start the next school year, my life will restart at some point. If I don’t want to make things worse for myself, I have to pass all my five university years and have a life like I want. Because if I can’t have it, then my mental health is going to be so messed up, I’m going to lose my mind.
