dont know why but years ago I started to just assume I was a complete loser. I was anxious and shy, I was worried people wanted to avoid me, I felt so gross and just unlikeable for years.
I believed that it was all true too. I went out of my way to avoid people to prevent any discomfort for them.
It was only after others have started opening up to me about their own issues which sounded very similar to mine, maybe even worse. Depression, anxiety, negative self talk and image…
But when I’d see them in public I would have NEEEEEEVER thought they went through so much inner mental turmoil.
They looked normal, maybe with a passing thought of “hmm they seem a bit shy” or “they aren’t are talkative or loud as other people.”
Never did I look at these people and think they were fucking disgusting and should be avoided at all costs.
It also explains why throughout the years I always seemed to still attract people but basically forced myself away from them thinking it was a fluke or ended up pushing them away with my own stubbornness and refusal to accept them.
I literally was the problem for myself.
I have been trying really hard to not let these thoughts control me and I’ve been making lots of progress. Those close to me have even made comments here and there about how I just seem more easy going and open than before. Not as stiff, not as quiet, not as reluctant.
Its just so hard to finally accept that my thoughts really seemed to be wrong about myself all these years.