I travel quite a bit, mainly to see family and overall be closer together, but even when I’m not, even when I’m simply just going on a vacation, big or small, roadtrip to a neighboring state or flying across a whole continent, I always get incredibly depressed, sad, and have extreme FOMO of everything around me.
Recently I am getting done with a two week trip from Alaska. It has been great to see all of my friends and family, and I will be coming up in another month anyway (this however for work purposes, I work commercial fishing in the summer). Which makes me wonder why I’m so sad. I can’t do anything without feeling the anxiety of missing out on something. I get almost scared and anxious when I’m in a room without windows. I need to constantly see outside because I feel like I will miss something, or I at least want to “see the sights for the last time” even though I’m not leaving until tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be absolutely miserable and depressed at the fact that I’m leaving and have to verbally talk to myself on why it’s not a bad thing and how everything will work out fine and be ok and that I’ll be back in a month anyway. I’ll find myself staring out a window just at the scenery, not even good scenery literally just a back alley away as I’m staying with a friend in Anchorage for a few nights before I fully leave. But for some reason I still can’t pull myself away from the window, and I still just keep wanting to see the sky, see everything and say “farewell” if you will I guess. But even when I walk away and go somewhere throughout the house I get incredibly anxious. I find myself constantly looking at friends snap map locations in my home town (not in a weird way and only certain friends, the ones in particular I’ve known for over 13 years) because I simply have such bad FOMO and still want to be with them and I feel like checking snap map and keeping in contact is a way I can still somewhat be there.
I’ve broken down multiple times even since leaving my home town and traveling to Anchorage. Thinking about just how much my friends and even their own families have told me how much they care for me, for some reason makes me incredibly emotional and I feel the opposite of what I should feel, I just feel sad, and cry, especially after one of my buddies moms sent me a text about how much I meant to her and their family, and that she viewed me as a second son.
I don’t get why I’m feeling so sad about leaving, I get this way with any trip I take, but even in the past of leaving Alaska, and saying goodbye sometimes for even much longer periods of time, it has never felt this bad and saddening.