Throwaway account because I wouldn’t want anybody to find this. I’m struggling. I’m only 20. Throughout my teenage years I dated guys that were already out of high school. It wasn’t until I turned 18 I had realized I’ve been groomed. There was a SA at one point by a guy I only hung out with once. Lots of being cheated on. Lots of physical contact during fights. I was only a teenager. In high school. This has made my self image and self worth almost nonexistent now. I was with an amazing guy after high school. He did everything right. He never made me feel alone or angry. I messed that up big time. In hindsight I was lost. I am now with a guy that makes me feel lonely. He drives my self worth into the ground. He looks at other girls online. Like he’s not satisfied with what he has with me. It seems like a pattern in all my relationships. I’ve talked to him twice about it. I just can’t bring myself to leave. I’ve thought about therapy but I’m not sure how much it’ll help me as I’ve tried once before. I fear that I’m sinking into a hole too deep to pull myself out of. I only have so much left in me. I’m not close with my mom. I have no friends. I work a construction job. No real hobbies. I can’t escape the roller coaster that is my mind 24/7. I’m writing this now as I can’t sleep because of overthinking and anxiety and finding things on my bfs page that I didn’t want to see. He gaslights me. He must think I’m stupid. I’ve been struggling since I was 14 with suicidal thoughts. They seem to be louder now more than ever. I’m stronger than that I think. I know what I’m getting into when I post this as people are just going to be trolls or call me dumb for staying. Just remember I’m a human too please.
