I often feel disgust at strong, positive emotions in other people. For example, I saw someone had large pictures of their wedding in their living room and I was like “gross, who needs to be THAT focused on their love.” I also feel disgust when I see stuff about Mothers being extra loving towards their kids. In general, it just grosses me out and I don’t get why people need to have such strong displays of love/emotion. I don’t really have any pictures of any of my family/friends in my house except for a few on the fridge and 1 canvas of my brother who died. I do not think of putting up pictures of loved ones or anything about my relationship in my decor. It feels obsessive/weak/lame to me. (Please no one take this as an attack)
My partner’s niece calls me auntie and it just weirds me the fuck out and I don’t like it. It makes me feel bad and I worry about hurting the kid (I’ve never said anything negative to her or the family, I try to mask as good as possible). It makes me feel like a monster but I just don’t see why I have to be an auntie to my partner’s niece? Or why I really need to be connected to his family at all. I am NOT good with bio family, I’m way more emotionally invested in found family.
I just feel so cynical and emotionally detached almost all of the time. I am able to be affectionate and have fun with my partner but my walls still stay up. I don’t even know what treatment I should get or where to start. I’m in therapy, EMDR has really helped but when we aren’t doing EMDR my therapist sucks. I’m planning on firing her and maybe trying some online courses from a cPTSD specialist? Then returning to EMDR with a different therapist. Or trying different modalities. My current one is toxicity positive and also says that she can’t tell when I’m expressing strong emotions. Which just makes me feel entirely misunderstood and not seen. I don’t know where to turn for treatment and I don’t understand what is wrong with me?