I just feel so terribly depressed i could really be grateful for some hopefully genuine kind words.
I kinda know i cant allow myself to get weak ever but i feel terrible and i hope this may alleviate some of those feelings. Pls dont be too harsh on me even if you dont find me likable, im harsh enough on myself.
I just feel so fucking lonely and alone in all sense imaginable. Im 24, a biologist and i just cant find a job, its 4 am rn and i just cant sleep, bc i basically started working somewhere without a contract and im just stressed over the call ill have to make. The whole place stinks.
And then there is my general loneliness. My friends are kinda fake ones only for talking fun stuff even the longest term ones i thought were different, i know they dont have to react to me when i write about a situatuon im in but it hurts they ignore it and dont even tell some empty encouragement or give me a thumbs up or sth… they probably cant say anything to it but it hurts they dont react feels like them say no one gives a shit get lost.
And holy shit id love to get lost if i could even more.
So im before starting some job/career and then ill need to switch careers to sth that earns me proper money. And then id also like to socialize make friends, but maybe expecting ppl to ever really want more than laughs on superficial things is too much to ask for. And meeting and building sth with new ppl is challanging anyway. Some are just rude, with a superiority complex not to mention those who just want to fuck no matter what and get pushy about it like a creep. And these ppl even appear at simple socializing event. Disappointing.
And lastly bc no lame sob story is whole without this point: the relationship issue. Which i knkw is hard for everyone. But please, just bc it is hard for everyone doesnt mean it cant be hard for me i shouldnt be shamed in theory for feeling a hopeless.
Just a bit ago bc of my loneliness i googled what to do if you feel unloved.. just in general tbh bc rn i feel like this is a problem… i dont feel like incan trust in anyone not looking down me or wanting to hurt me well emotionally bc i cant always fake to be on top of things. And this stress is hard i just wish if i had someone who would hug me or sth and tell me im not lost case and shouldnt get lost… but i cant seem to ever be enough…
If im weak im unwanted and should fuckingbpull myself together bc im acting like a joke
And if i do pull myself together and fake it all, then i win to act like im made from stone. Which is just hard all the time.
Well ig my break downs are a way of coping.
I know, i should get therapy… but im just worried over the price of it bc i know my mental health will be expensive and hard to chill in financial problems while you still dont have anyone who wouldnt kick intk you if you show them weakness.
And it hurts a little a bit ngl that the only way i can get a little empathy is if i pay. That really hurts.
And finding the right psychologist is hard anyway, the last i tried made me need to defend myself for everything i was at fault even the school bullying. How to feel emotionally safe in such environment? And i didnt even feel like, bc inwas talking to a psychologist that im allowed to feel this way.
And even then psychologists would keep throwing me to eaxhbother that in over their scope, bc if im too difficult id be just given antidepressants so i shut up
If only i wouldnt need to shut up all the time
I want to work everything out but im sk ovsrwhelmed ans delressed and lost and alone that i cant help but feel this way
Thank you anyone who read it and didnt decide to make me feel worse in the comments if anyone reacts.
im sorry i wont double check so there will be grammatical and punctuation errors.