My current mental state is not okay. It’s not debilitating like on the verge of suicide but it’s getting close… chest pains, racing heart, and dizziness type of issues. I haven’t landed full time in a year. I’ve had some bad and weird interviews all of the above. But the last two have been with companies that I’ve wanted to work with for years. I knocked the one out of the park and made it to the final round. Then they passed on me. I was so heart broken about this. Now I am in the process of hearing back about another job I realllly wanted. I prepared for it I lost sleep preparing and having racing intrusive thoughts. I even stayed up crying because I couldn’t fall asleep and I don’t want my brain to be this way. I did SO well in these interviews I felt relieved like I have a fat chance to land.
The recruiter told me he’d have an update yesterday and I followed up today and he hasn’t responded. Now I think they probably moved on to someone else like last time and he isn’t responding because I’m not priority. I am spiraling. I can’t focus on my daughter, things that make me happy and relieve anxiety aren’t working. I just want to be alone. Therapy isn’t working. I want to fix this I can’t keep living this way. I will have interviews I can’t have crippling anxiety through them all because I have an immense fear of rejection.
I hate myself. I feel like a POS. I am a failure. Like if I can’t land roles that my background totally aligns with and I do really well and connect with the employers then what else can I possibly do? I guess when I don’t have control over my destiny and when the ball isn’t in my court my anxiety is unbearable. Like staying up for a week. I can’t live this way anymore.