hello, first of all I’m sorry. unfortunately I am not able to afford a session with a therapist since I’m 20, in uni&broke, parents only sending money enough for food only… my purpose is to know different ideas about this, not getting a diagnosis online. I’m not in a dangerous situation, I can still manage living but I’m struggling and I need to talk about this, I desperately need to.
first of all, I’m dealing with ptsd. I have went through A LOT. sexual assault, family issues, betrayal&abandonment from parents, feelings of depersonalization&derealization.. also I grew up with a mom who had ocd, panic attacks, depression, anxiety..
here are the things I’m going through:
-when I’m scrolling on insta reels, sometimes I find some people attractive, their vibes seem interesting and I feel the urge to save their profile because I want to be able to reach their profile when I want to. I have no idea why, it’s just the idea of losing the ability to reach them feels uncomfortable. though, sometimes I just keep scrolling because I don’t want to give in to this feeling, I sometimes just forget and be able to go on with my life. my first panic attack happened because I deleted a guy’s number who I talked online and I remembered him months later after deleting his number and I realized I’m not able to reach out to him ever again even if I wanted to (I was the one who deleted his number anyway, but somehow I just got uncomfortable but had some kind of anxiety attack) idk, maybe the thing happening right now (saving people’s profiles) are happening mostly because of that attack happened that day but still..
-intrusive thoughts about children (like pedophilia ocd), family members, or other people. I do know I don’t actually want those things that come to my mind, it’s just like my brain sees I don’t like it but makes me think about that kind of stuff, I don’t know how to explain it properly but you know how kids do something like throwing an object for example, when you warn them some of them may just do it even more to annoy you? i feel like my brain is doing that to me.
-fear of cheating on my bf (this is better than before, but I have removed some guys from my insta because I was scared of developing feelings for them)
-when I’m watching a movie, I feel the need to read all the subtitles. we watch movies with my bf and I make him take the movie back if he speaks during movie and makes me unable to read a sentence. sometimes I don’t tell him because I don’t want to seem bad, and still, I can keep going with my life. it’s just I feel uncomfortable and I calm my mind on my own by saying “I can just watch it later on my own and read the sentence I couldn’t read”. though, I don’t do it at all. I just comfort myself at that moment.
-fear of developing schizophrenia. I have heard my bf talk about a person he knew who had schizophrenia and as a person who is struggling with DPDR, I feel uncomfortable about things like this. he told me that the person he knew questioned everything too much, he smelled something burning and told the people around him but no one agreed with him so he kept thinking about it and ended up developing schizophrenia. so sometimes I think I hear something outside or smell something, I think about what happened to that guy and I overthink it. I’m like “did I really hear that?” “no no I shouldn’t question this or else I can be like him” “I don’t want to be like him” etc.
-feeling of being watched. since I was a kid.
-i also overthink my “symptoms” and want to know if i have ocd or not, or what do i have in general. i search for it online for hours if i need to. I’m even afraid of developing ocd because I think too much
are these normal? do people go through things like this too but they just manage it by being more careless and calm? by not holding on to thoughts? maybe this is just ptsd and growing up or idk :/ I just want to be fine