I was sat alone with my thoughts which is never a good thing and I came upon a realisation. I cut because I want to punish myself. I thought I did it bc I liked the way it felt, which is also true lol (I swear I’m not a masochist (that’s a lie)). I think it’s also a coping mechanism, a way to punish myself for all my wrongs. I dislike myself quite a bit and whenever I cross those thoughts of self loathing, I look at my scars to remind myself that it’s fine because I’ve already punished myself for being bad. Like I’ve done this world some sort of wrong for being alive. It’s weird bc the more I come to terms with the fact that I don’t wanna live anymore, the more I worry about others and how I hope they don’t feel the same way I do. I check up on everyone in my life to make sure they’re living and actually want to live because I wish someone would do the same for me. Even if it’s someone who doesn’t want me in their lives anymore (which is entirely on me), I still check to make sure they’re alive. Even if it is without their knowledge (what can I say, I’m a lot clingy and just a teensy bit crazy. But not a lot, just a little. Like this much 🤏). It’s taken every ounce of self control to hold back from reaching out. I refuse to beg for him back…again. I need to leave that man alone fo sho 😭. I catch myself smiling at our old texts, I fucking love this man. I’m going off again, don’t mind me. I’m still head over heels with him, he told me it’s best I just get over him. What does he take me for? I’m not a switch, I can’t just turn it on and off. I shouldn’t even be mad at him for my own faults. Sorry, usually I rant about him to my girlfriends but at this point, everyone’s getting it. I should be left alone with my thoughts less often if I’m only going to upset myself with them. I feel crap. Whatever though, it’ll pass. My self hatred I mean, not my love for this man. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. I tried to be as light hearted as possible bc I hate being serious about anything. Especially myself.
